"Is everything okay?" The bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!". The guy replied.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
In tears the man replies "Yeah. But today is the last day".
A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer."
The bartender is stunned by the fact that the horse can speak, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.
"Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer."
The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer."
So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer.
"You know," says the bartender, "we don't get many horses around here."
To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
A cow walks into a bar wearing a priest’s robes. Bartender says “Holy cow!”
A dog walks into a bar. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. I bet your have never seen a talking dog before? How about free a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."
Three men walk into a bar. The bartender tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
The second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
The third man goes down and stays there. Next day, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?"
The dog replies, "Are they looking for a bartender?"
A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm.
"A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the bartender.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the bartender, "we don't serve food in here."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and asks to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes, I am," she replies.
"Well, go wash your hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You’ve got a drink named Steve?"
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"